


You Put the I in Idiot

by Anw



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: AND SO STUPID, F/F, Fluff, Meet-Cute, but it made me laugh, hospital waiting room au, it is very dialogue heavy, oh also it's set in a hospital but there is no angst I promise, so enjoy, this is so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29319990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anw/pseuds/Anw
Summary: Trixie is in the ER, worried about her friend, and Katya sees a beautiful woman pacing around and decides to cheer her up with the insane tale of her own reason for being there. AKA the hospital is a great place to fall in love.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 16
Kudos: 54





	You Put the I in Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> This has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever written, but also I laughed out loud so many times while writing it that I simply do not care. I wrote this in about two hours so don't judge it too much. 
> 
> Anyway, This story is brought to you by me telling [FarrahGone](FarrahGone) (who also proofread and titled this, thank you baby) about all the stupid injuries I have gotten and inspired by my most current stupid injury that reminded me of this story and made me finish it. I hope you enjoy!!

Trixie has been pacing the floor of the waiting room for what feels like hours at this point, much to the chagrin of the other people sitting around that have been passive aggressively glaring at her for some time now. It’s not everyday that your very pregnant friend passes out on the sidewalk after lunch though so these people can bite her. 

She looks up as the doors to the rooms open up again hoping to hear her friend’s name called, but instead a blonde woman walks out casually despite looking like she was in a nasty fight not too long ago. There’s an ice pack in the woman’s hand and her nose and below her eyes are bruised badly, but despite that, Trixie thinks she’s rather beautiful. The woman is wearing a black and white chevron dress that kind of hurts her eyes but also kind of works for this woman. 

The blonde sits down in a chair across the room from her and Trixie goes back to the pacing that she hadn’t realized she stopped. She shakes the thoughts of the newcomer from her mind, letting the worry overtake her thoughts again. 

She’s so caught up in the dark spiral her brain has created that she doesn’t notice the woman walk across the waiting room and take the seat closest to Trixie. 

“I think that guy over there is ready to give you a new reason to be in the ER,” she says, breaking Trixie out of her thoughts and stopping her in her tracks. 

“Yeah, well I’d like to see him try,” Trixie replies. 

Katya seems to enjoy that answer, her face breaking into a delighted smile before she winces in pain at the expression. 

Trixie winces in sympathy, “what happened to you?” she asks, deciding a conversation might be the perfect distraction from her worry. 

“Come sit down and I’ll tell you,” the woman responds, patting the empty seat next to her in invitation. Trixie hesitates slightly, and Katya notices, adding, “the other guy looks worse, but he wasn’t a beautiful woman, come on you have nothing to be worried about.” 

Trixie laughs in surprise, of all the things she expected to happen today, being flirted with by a woman with a probably broken nose in the emergency room waiting room was not one of them. She sits down in the offered chair anyway, there are worse ways to spend this wait. 

“I’m Trixie by the way,” Trixie says as she walks toward the woman. 

“Katya,” the woman replies, “it is an absolute pleasure to meet you Trixie.” 

Trixie blushes slightly at that, evidently Katya is taking Trixie’s acceptance of her invitation as an interest to her flirting. Trixie isn’t going to complain. 

“So,” Trixie says as she sits down, “what happened to your face?” 

“I landed on my face when I fell from heaven,” Katya responds immediately with as much of a smirk as she can manage through the pain. 

Trixie laughs loudly at that, the people around her glaring at her again for a new reason, and she covers her mouth quickly when she remembers where she is and that there are likely people around here that are worried about their loved ones like she was before she was drawn into this conversation. 

“You have a delightful laugh,” Katya says intently, “and if it didn’t hurt so badly to smile, I would gladly join in.” 

“I’m not sure a hospital is the best place for us to be laughing like maniacs,” Trixie responds. 

“What if the uncontrollable laughter is the reason you’re in the hospital?” 

Trixie is sure to keep her laughter quieter this time, “then everyone else is the rude one’s, not us.” 

“Exactly,” Katya agrees, “we are the only valid people in this waiting room.” 

Trixie laughs again and there’s a brief and comfortable silence before Trixie remembers why she sat down, “for real, how did you hurt yourself?” 

“I fought my landlord in my attempt to jumpstart the inevitable communist revolution that this country needs,” Katya responds, deadpan. 

Trixie stares at her blankly for a few seconds, not sure what to make of that, and Katya breaks out into a wheezing laughter that is cut short by her moaning in pain and cradling her nose. 

“Ow, ow, ouch, Jesus this hurts,” Katya groans, slouching down in her seat, looking slightly like a petulant child that didn’t get their way. It shouldn’t be as endearing as it is. 

“You saw what they did to the communists before, I don’t know what you expected to happen here,” Trixie replies, fighting the urge to pat this woman’s head in comfort. 

Katya manages a smile at that, “communism will rise again,” she says in what Trixie assumes is a Russian accent. 

Trixie laughs again, shaking her head at the absurdity of the lunatic she’s chosen to sit with. Her mind flits back to her friend briefly consumed by worry again before she allows herself to be distracted again, “so you got into a fight?” 

“Would you believe me if I said I fought off a bear that I met in the woods?” Katya questions. 

“Not at all,” Trixie replies. 

“I could take a bear, I may look small but I could absolutely take a bear,” Katya responds, more talking to herself than to Trixie. 

“So you’re not going to tell me what really happened?” Trixie questions. As much as she is enjoying the lies this woman seems to be able to come up with in a second flat, her curiosity and nosiness desperately wants to know what actually happened to cause this much damage to this firecracker. 

“If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you,” Katya says, deepening her voice dramatically, “is secret Soviet business,” she adds on in her Russian accent again. 

Trixie rolls her eyes, “it must be embarrassing if you aren’t telling me the truth,” Trixie says. 

Katya freezes slightly at that, and Trixie realizes she must be on the right track for her to not have an immediate response ready. She smirks slightly, enjoying having control of the situation, “what, did you fall over trying to eat yourself out? Cause we’ve all been there.” 

Katya’s face lights up, “I would love to hear more about that,” she replies, propping her elbow on the arm rest between them and placing her chin in her hand, leaning in toward Trixie in interest. 

“Uh uh, you promised me a story,” Trixie answers, pointing an accusing finger at Katya. 

Katya rolls her eyes, “fine, but we are absolutely returning to that topic of conversation.” 

“I make no promises,” Trixie says. 

“No no you have to or I’m not going to tell you,” Katya says. 

“Fine, deal, now tell me the story,” Trixie replies impatiently. 

“Okay, but you have to promise you won’t laugh,” Katya says seriously, leaning back toward Trixie to show she means it. 

“You’re sure asking a lot from me considering we are strangers.” 

“Trixie, we are not strangers, we were clearly destined to meet, now promise you won’t laugh,” Katya says again with that serious tone that Trixie can’t tell if she’s joking or not. 

“Alright I promise I won’t laugh,” Trixie says. 

“Okay, good, so, I got a pen cap stuck on my finger,” Katya starts. 

“How does that result in a broken nose?” Trixie interrupts. 

“We’ll get there, patience my dear Tracy,” Katya says, “so this pen cap was the absolute perfect hat for the tiny face I drew on my finger tip.” 

“What?” Trixie interrupts again, laughing incredulously. 

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t laugh!” Katya exclaims. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Trixie responds, taking a deep breath to calm down, “please continue.” 

“So I put the tiny hat on my finger and it was adorable, but when I went to take it off my finger, it was stuck,” Katya continues. 

“Still not seeing how this ends in that,” Trixie says, gesturing vaguely to the bruises on Katya’s face. 

“We’re getting there, we’re getting there,” Katya says, eager to keep telling her story, “so I couldn’t get the cap off my finger, so I decided to get some butter to grease it up that way I could just slide it right off.” 

“I’m guessing that didn’t work?” Trixie interrupts again. 

“Nope,” Katya confirms, “the butter didn’t just make the pen cap slippery, it made my hands slippery, so when I tried to yank it off my finger, my greased up hand slid right off and punched me in the nose,” Katya says. 

“So you broke your nose by punching yourself in the face with your own buttered up fist?” Trixie questions, too incredulous to laugh. 

“Yes,” Katya says, “but that’s not it.” 

“There’s more?” Trixie asks in shock. 

“When I punched myself in the face, my head flew back and since I was sitting on my couch, my head also smacked into the wall behind me resulting in a me sized hole in the wall,” Katya continues. 

Trixie can’t help the shocked laugh that happens after that. 

“And then,” Katya starts before Trixie once again stops her.

“That’s not the end?!” Trixie exclaims, this has to be the dumbest injury she has ever heard of. 

“Nope,” Katya shakes her head, “as if a broken nose, a concussion, and a dent in the wall of my rented apartment weren’t enough, my dumb ass decided that I still needed the cap off my finger.” 

“Oh god, what did you do?” Trixie asks, just now remembering the ice pack that Katya has on her right hand. 

“Get this,” Katya starts, “I got my hammer, and decided I would hit the end of the cap to break it and peel it off my finger.” 

“Oh no,” Trixie groans, her face scrunching up in anticipation. 

“Oh yes! I got the hammer, and tries to smash the end of it, but miscalculated and hit my finger instead.” 

Trixie hisses in sympathy pain, feeling the phantom of a hammer coming down on her own finger. 

“The good news is, the cap did in fact come off, but the bad news is I have a broken finger now,” Katya finishes. 

“Oh my god,” Trixie says, not sure how to reply to _all that._

Katya nods, letting Trixie absorb everything she just said. Trixie just sits there in a stunned silence, she briefly thought this might be another lie, but it’s too detailed and absurd to be a lie. 

“You’re an idiot,” Trixie finally breaks the silent, unable to hold back her laughter any longer. 

Katya evidently doesn’t care about Trixie’s promise not to laugh anymore, joining in and laughing in a more subdued way to save herself some pain. 

“I can’t even be mad cause it’s true!” Katya responds through her laughter, sounding absolutely delighted. 

They laugh together for some time before a doctor comes out of the swinging doors at the end of the room, calling out her friend’s name. Trixie stands up immediately to make her way over to the doctor. The worry is back again, twisting in her stomach, along with a vague feeling of guilt that’s heavy on her chest from forgetting why she was here for a brief moment. 

When she reaches the doctor, she is relieved to hear that everything is okay, “Kimberly is fine, her blood pressure was low, that’s not uncommon for pregnant women, she needs to rest but we will discharge her soon, you can go back and see her now.” 

Trixie sighs in relief, thanking the doctor and walking back toward Katya in a haze. 

“Everything okay?” Katya asks in concern. 

“Yeah,” Trixie replies, “my friend fainted earlier but she’s okay, I’m gonna go in and see her now.” 

“Good,” Katya nods along. 

Trixie gathers her bag from where she stored it under her chair, “thanks for distracting me,” she says, realizing that she’s about to leave Katya and probably never see her again. 

“No problem,” Katya responds, the look on her face showing that she probably just had the same realization. 

Trixie turns around to walk away again, trying to shake off the weird feeling in her chest, but Katya stops her by calling her name. Trixie spins around to face her again. 

“Once my finger is healed, I would really like to finger you with it,” Katya says in that same deadpan and Trixie is equal parts shocked and unsurprised. 

“Just don’t hit me with a hammer if it gets stuck,” Trixie replies, both of them smiling stupidly at each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please tell me about the stupidest injury you've every gotten so I feel less bad about myself! I may or may not write a sequel to this at some point, we'll see. You can also find my on tumblr [@dykegoblins](dykegoblins.tumblr.com)  
> have a good day!!


End file.
